Sunday, May 11, 20084:35 AM

I can live my life without you

There's this guy that I kinda like nowadays, but due to present circumstances, I don't wanna get into any kind of relationship, even though this time round, the possibility is slightly higher than say, with Fang (that is 0% by the way). Yea I'm very 'optimistic' in such stuff, and it also helps that I'm a very very passive person. So I won't go looking for trouble unless trouble comes looking for me.

Yea anyway, said guy isn't as good looking as Mivi, nor does he tower above Fang, or play guitar as kick-ass as　麗, but he is very nice to me. Not the polite kind of nice, but slightly more intimate (in my opinion anyway). Maybe he treats every girl nicely, I don't know, but I feel happy with him, although I always appear listless (bored-every-silent-second syndrome). I'm thinking maybe he treats newly acquainted people this nice, cos nowadays, the 'spark' is gone, and I've been left thinking "Was I being played?" But then again, I never expected anything anyway. Not when I can't afford to expect anything (more on this later) anymore. I'm suffocating in work (mainly cos of the numerous breaks I don't know how to refuse), and my best friends are leaving (for NS damn it), and my parents have very weird sense of humor.

The reason why I can't get into any relationship now is because I lost faith in the existence of super loyal will-wait-for-you-til-the-sea-dries-up kinda guy. And also because I'm not that kinda girl either, so I won't expect from others what I can't do myself (see? I'm such a fair Princess). Anyway. I intend to hold-off all my own plans (dreams, love, pursuit of happiness, etc), until I finish this painful plan. This painful plan involves me confined in a cold little cage swamped with thorns everywhere I turn for about 6 long years. Well anyway, hopefully it isn't as bad as it sounds. I'm lying to myself everyday, so please don't come and tell me how bad I will suffer, and how stupid my decision is because I have no choice. I'm not that spoilt girl who gave up her place in a Direct Masters to go some unknown place for 6 months, nor am I that guy with supportive parents that are willing to shell out a bomb for his further education. Nor am I a happy-go-lucky person who spends his next paycheck on games and then complain broke later. I have my own reasons (one of that includes having to send 2 bros to U, and others I won't even mention anymore). From this point on, my happiness will cease to exist, and I can only live in my dreams until that promised day comes. Which is why I've been saying I don't want to chase a painful dream. But it is the dream that keeps me alive, and if I were more emo, the pain I feel is prove that I still have dreams (unlike most zombies at my workplace...).

Anyway, my parents... are expecting too much of me. Firstly they treat me like a teenager and I concede, because technically, I'm still 19. Anyway, most teenagers have waaaaaaaaaay more freedom than moi, and I already am used to it. Even when I'm working 9-6 now, yea it's ok, I don't really mind not being able to stay out late. But when you add in the duties of the (sole) working member of the family and the constraints of a teenager that wants to have fun, you get some ironic full-blown stress factor.

But never mind, cos I can take that crap. I'm Princess Teddy　だから。And good stuff do happen in my life. Like that guy for instance. I don't need a happily ever after with him, and even if he's playing with me, I was happy after all. And today, ミクル gave birth! I don't know how many hamsters I have now cos I can't check, but I pray every single one survives, although it'll be hard on ミクル. Saw her nursing the pups. So cute, the way she cradled her babies to feed them. then BJ was being busy carrying the pups up to the nest he built for them. But ミクル is an independent girl, so she carried them back down to her own nest. Mama power go! And today's Mother's Day too.

So for Mother dearest, I baked a cake. And in the process, I forgot she doesn't eat cheesecake. Nevermind, more for me *sniggers*Can't help it, cos the only cake recipes available to me was those in a CHEESEcake book. My desktop died, and Julio was being abused by my bro... *strokes battled screen*, so I can't find recipes online... But it smelt sooo nice~ Although now it's cooling in the fridge (the recipe called for it. 6 hours to go before I can eat it... *sob*)

I'll find happiness everyday as often as I can. Sometimes, I think being random can mask unhappiness. And hopefully one day I can successfully lie to myself, I happy after all.

Oh yes, if, despite warnings, you insist on watch Speed Racer, bring Panadol. It crazily colorful and nonsensical, I don't know how I was convinced to watch it. The acting was horrible, the visual effects was actually to hide alot of shoddy works, I only enjoyed the camera effects during the race. Actually, just go there to blind yourself silly.

All works done by Princess Teddy

This is Princess Teddy