Tuesday, November 20, 20079:22 PM

麗’ｓ　shoulder

People who emo openly are those that don't need excessive care and concern. I wanna cry on a shoulder today so I can move on happily tomorrow, so just let me vent my anger/sadness/loneliness here.

Firstly, Princess Teddy, like any other royalty, cannot cry openly, because they are so lonely, there's no one for them to cry (literally shedding tears) to. Princess Teddy, being a human being, also experience grief, heartaches, stress and bad emotions. But because Princess Teddy is a royalty, and people worry when she is unhappy, or falsely think she is always happy, Princess Teddy has to pretend to be happy, even though she is sad. Being happy for the sake of other people is very tiring, and very lonely... But Princess Teddy has responsibilities no one knows, and none she can abandon.

I tried being happy for myself, doing what I want. It either made me even more sad, or hurt people around me. I don't understand why, why me? Why do I always end up with the wrong guy, or like someone that would never like me? Why do I have such a paranoid mother and stubborn father and naive brothers? Why do I have dreams so big, that it's so painful to imagine how far away I am from realising it? Why do I aim for perfection even in something as mediocre as my physical state, when all that does is cause me more distress everywhere I look? Why can't I ever accept that attaining perfection would equate to more boredom because every imperfection is unique and interesting? Why can't I lower my expectations so I wouldn't get hurt? I can't let my brain decide every aspect of life to prevent myself from hurting...? Why can't I do what I want? When will people stop thinking I'm that good...? I'm not... I am fat, ugly, stubborn, tomboyish, practical to the point of boring, tyrannical, bossy, arrogant, vain, narcissist, conniving, lazy. I don't even know why people put up with me. I don't even know how I can stand being me when the people I dislike (not the fat and ugly bit of course) are just like me.

Humans that exist for vainglory just lead a meaningless life. Right now, my life is just as meaningless as Singapore's rat race. Call it survival, but I realise there are many other ways to survive, only that I need to get out of this rut, and stop letting people hurt me.

Some people read my blog or talk to me and think they know the world of me, or else just notice the trivialities of my life. If I go any deeper into my life, more people will get mud rubbed into their face or be hurt. I don't want to go there, and also maybe because I took effort in building relationships with people, some of whom are just a waste of time, I won't trash my efforts just like that. Just like I rather be rejected than stick to a one-sided love affair, if anything has to be ended by me, it would have a glorious, if not bloody, dramatic ending as I can possibly manifest it.

Anyway, on a lighter note, yesterday, I made a small first step as a protest towards pointless waiting. I am kinda proud of that, but I ended up waiting anyway. Is ok, as long as that step is taken, I'll make more decisions like that, and soon I'll be able to break that chain. But anyway, I was able to play Mario Galaxy with JM, so that's alright. I know some good things needs a good long wait, but waiting for that person really irked me.

The current project I have distracts me from most of the agony I have right now. Currently also using money to bribe myself towards false happiness, also lessening the loneliness by appreciating independence and self-pampering more. If I ever release all my feelings, from childhood til now... I think I'll just die of heartache halfway. So as long as I keep pretending to be happy, I should be alright. Deciding to be happy forever, is not practical, but it's a step somewhere surely.

But... it would be nice to cry on a shoulder without any consequences for once... Though I would prefer the shoulder of a guy I like *sigh*

All works done by Princess Teddy

This is Princess Teddy