Friday, December 16, 20059:41 PM

My resolution


I kinda figured out what I want in Life after reading a newa on needy children. I wanna work hard and get rich, then spend half my fortune helping orphans and disadvantaged kids. And even if I'm not married, I'm gonna have my own kids. A baby girl at least.


I feel weird, like a schizophreniac. I want love. I want fame, fortune, glory for myself. I wanna buy everything in Mise* and Ha-Ru. I wanna wear Gothic and Lolita all my life. I wanna led a luxurious life in Japan. I wanna go every good J-Rock concert. I wanna be loved more than I wanna love. I'm selfish in a way. Yet, I'm talking about being a Mother to all those poor kids out there in future. Think I'm going mad. Yarg >< I think it's my mom being a pushing force towards my psychotic mind now. I cringe whenever I see kids happy and loved by their mom. The little things they share and all that. The sense of safety and bliss. It's not like my mom is some kinda whacked up psycho that abandoned me aons ago... she's still her, and I know her mom instincts would protect me (maybe OVER-protect...). But sometimes, I feel she isnt there when I need her. I cant possibly tell her about my heartbreaks etc right? She's not THAT kinda mom. Since young, I've always feared if I angered my mom, she'll leave me. And no matter what I do, I feel that everything that has happened was my fault. And she didnt care for my feelings. She said kids shouldn't have feelings. I guess she meant kids should always be happy. That's why when I'm sad, angry, deprerssed and dying, I have no mom to talk to. It's different talking to a mom and a close friend. You (or maybe just me) will always believe you mom is forever right and sensible. People out there with the same feeling as me would probably know how hurting this is.


Maybe she's busy. And I admit I haven't help her much on housework lately cos of all the schoolwork (excuses, excuses...) but I have 2 bros at her beck and call (cos it's their HOLIDAY), though she NEVER calls them but me. She probably wouldn't notice me crying. If she did, she'll probably scold me, for 'chasing good fortune away...' Cold and unfeeling. I forget when's the last time my mom held me when I learnt how to walk... Only remember all the trauma she caused me. Saying she hates me. Leaving me without a word. Abandoned loving me.


I know I did wrongs. Saying I did all that to get her attention is just a limp excuse. I'm sorry for hurting my mom. But she doesnt care for my feelings. I'm chained like a psycho in straightjacket. I'm breaking those chains but in turn I break my mom. Yet the chance for compromise is gone for good.


Hope time can heal everything.


Ashita genki ni naare

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This is Princess Teddy